Logic

mannnn…

Why do I always meet amazing girls that end up having boyfriends…fucking a man. Even worse. Why do I still miss you? You treated me like shit. I hate myself for still thinking about you it makes me depressed as fuck. I miss you and even though you may not love me I would hope you at least cared enough about me to ask how I am doing. I mean i thought we were friends too…what happened. I can’t help but feel everything is my fault because of you, but i know it isn’t it’s just weird. I’m sorry. honestly. I should have bailed out before i got to caught up in emotions and feelings. I shouldn’t have stuck around when you cheated on my I should have been smart enough and had enough self respect to put you in your place. I live in regrets as to what i should have done. I hate you for isolating me from you. It’s not fair, how come you get to be with someone great, its so stupid i keep thinking i found a good girl but they end up being a stupid ass bitch who has a boyfriend and uses me to their advantage. Why do I get taken advantage of so much. Do i make myself too available? I slowly think i’m starting to figure out everything in its entirety. I just really wish you would at least talk to me again. I don’t want to be with you at all. I just need your help, advice, know what I did wrong and help me correct what it was that I do that makes me not able to be around. please don’t make me feel like an outcast I’m starting to hate more and more and the sweet guy I used to be is become oh so bittersweet. I miss you randomly. I try not to think of you, yet I do. Why did you have such a HUGE affect on my life. I miss you. I may not love you but i sure as hell miss the fucking fuck out of you. Just to see how you are would be refreshing. I’m sure you are fine though. you got a spectacular guy and your career started off right. I hope i had helped you somewhat with something in your life. I’m sorry i always vent on this. I’m not sure if you ever read these but i’m sorry that i previously called you names and talked shit and said i hate you. I really don’t….I  just have these pent up anger issues and mixed emotions about you that i have no idea what to do with and i just wish you treated me as though i existed when i was your “boyfriend”. I am sick of thinking of you and being depressed and feeling like i was exiled because it was something i did. at least let me know that it wasn’t completely my fault i feel like i’m going crazy about it…at least when i think about it. I miss you like fucking crazy. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. I know what kind of person you are. I met a full grown ass woman age 38 who is my friend that was talking to me about a past marriage and it reminded me of you and me. like you care about the details. point being i know it’s over. just wondering why you can’t talk to me AT ALL and  why you exiled me from everything in general. I hope you are doing good. thats all i ever do. Miss you jax. I really do. as stupid and repetitive as I may sound. I’m really really sorry that i do, i just do..

It kind of sucks being a hopeless romantic. With all of the things I have learned in this past year about women. Lying, deceit, fakes, people putting on a front so they don’t “hurt my feelings”. It’s so damn depressing as the days go on I grow more bitter, my heart gets colder and this world seems less and less appealing to live on. I may seem happy to people face, but I am really deep down lonely really lonely and it’s extremely depressing. I don’t really have trust for anyone anymore because of all the stupid shit that has happened to me. Maybe I just need to let go of a lot of things, but how when they could easily happen again. I keep finding things out in my past that I assumed the worst on are true and finding out is only an eye opener. This world is cold and anything can happen I hate where I am at in life right now and I just wish I was something greater. I know I can become something greater, but with all the stupidity in the world why would I want to. My motivation for anything diminishes with every attempt at happiness I go at….women, friendships, family, every time I try and do good nothing good comes from it. I only learn more about how cold people are or how stupid people think I really am. I must seem so blind and stupid to some of the most IMPORTANT people in my life. Why? Just why? I wish I could just wash it all away. I have deep emotional pain because of the things and the way that they have all happened to me. I need help, but I feel no one in the world will understand me and there honestly is no helping me. This just sucks and I wish I could just be a blissful child, but no I had to grow up too fast. Responsibility sucks I hate having to take care of everyone else and never getting any gratitude and respect. I guess I’m just a shadow to everyone and it fucking infuriates me I want to be more than what I am now. The question is how…I hope I find happiness in something or maybe even someone soon. Seeing as how everything goes for me. Probably wont happen..rough.

Ughh..

I had another dream about you last night. It was pleasant…until I woke up and realized it was a dream. What I would give to just talk to you for one day, but I don’t know what I would say. I’m torn I really miss the living FUCK out of you, but I know if I try talking to you it’s going to be so hard to let go again..fuck being torn. Fuck my unconscious mind for thinking about you all the time. Even when I am sleeping…fuck man.

Whenever I think about you, I suddenly become sad.

I’m not sure if it’s the memories, or the times that we had.

Whenever I think about you, my heart just gets a sinking feeling.

I guess that’s the way that my mind keeps dealing.

With the fact, that you can’t even acknowledge me.

It’s kind of fucked up, not that you ain’t calling me.

I must have fucked up somehow, but uncertainty just bothers me.

So I guess i’ll just forget you, ask if I know you nah…probably…not

When I think about you my heart just feels heavy.

But I got to remember fake love, cause you gave me plenty.

Hate whatever it was about you that got me stuck.

But you are just that type of girl and that was just my luck..

And for now..I guess I’m just done bitch

And I’m so fucking angry just knowing you’re not the one bitch…

Pffft.

You are one to talk. I never said I knew what anything was, unlike you who seems to have a firm grasp on it. With your ex. Whom cheated on you. Multiple times. That’s love alright. Picking and choosing who to fall in “love” with. Ha. Grow up a little bit. God you are so correct about it I didn’t realize.. wish you would have taught me what it was. Nah I told you before bitch. Love does NOT exist if you can pick and choose and the way that you use the term you seem confused I would hope for you to find it one day, but you spend way to much time fucking around that you probably won’t ever understand the “concept” of it. You need to get over yourself you have this high horse that I hope someone knocks you off of. If love does exist, which i’m not saying it does, wouldn’t it just happen, blindly you shouldn’t force it or have to choose the “right” person to fall in love with. It would just happen. So get over yourself and quit thinking so highly of your fucked up self. I’m done being nice about this shit. If you actually read these you should build up some courage and actually say somthing to my face. Btdubs thanks for helping me change, I can weed out the bullshit and I don’t really care for covering up anything anymore I just try and speak my mind now. That’s part of growing up, I don’t try hiding things, deleting things, or use things that may be useful towards revenge I just wanted to be on good terms, but fuck that. I’m super heated at you. Not because I love you. I wish I would’ve realized sooner I’m mad at you because you are such a RAGING BITCH to me and can’t sack up and grow up and be mature about things with me. Alright yes, maybe you have had success, but that’s part of living life… You are a piece of shit and you do use and abuse people. Only reason you are actually “dating” this new guy is obvious. He lives FAR AWAY, meaning you can fuck all those guys.. Eric, Tyler, Randwolf, fucking jenky ass men. You are scum I’m sick of you thinking lowly of me. You are just like every other girl trying to fit in without putting a label on yourself, you are trying way to hard. Just be yourself, that’s what every guy that you have ever been close to has LOVED about you. Just have more self confidence you don’t need ANYONE to be with to be happy. It seems you are still struggling to find happiness. I wanted to help. Not my job anymore so I’m gonna just bring you down like you brought me down. Stupid whore.

I thought they would stop.

I had a very strange dream about you last night. I hope you are doing okay. I know you don’t talk to me anymore, but I still hope for the best for you. I just wish I could speak with you every once in a while. Strange strange dream about you..